What your reaction to other people’s finances reveals about you

Introducing financial therapist and Sherwood News personal finance columnist Amanda Clayman — helping people with complex financial problems is her passion, but she will dig into more than just your balance sheet. If you have a money matter you need help with, write her at advice@sherwood.news 

Frank conversations about money may be the last taboo in a society that’s grown more open with other previously hands-off topics like religion, death, and sex. It’s no surprise that most of us keep the public details of our financial lives limited to a few cryptic emojis on Venmo.

There are real reasons to challenge this taboo. Privacy norms around money reinforce existing inequalities and prevent people from acquiring the context, knowledge, and skills to improve their financial situations. Yet disclosing these details can open us up to judgments, misunderstandings, and conflict. Because our relationship with money is highly individual, one person’s cherished value is another’s guilty pleasure is another’s nightmare scenario. Simply put, this cultural shift is messy as hell. 

In the online age, the rise of anonymous money advice columns and money diaries serve up a way for people to share a highly detailed snapshot of their lives, as told through the lens of personal spending. Part Rorschach test and part public forum, it’s not only information we’re seeking in these posts. Today’s experience is just as much a search for connection and understanding across our various socioeconomic tribes. 

Take the diaries. These generally follow a common format, starting with some biographical detail (gender, age, profession, locale), a little financial context (annual income, a list of assets and debts), and family history (socioeconomic status, culture, expectations). Then comes a seven-day extravaganza of data concerning their spending (naturally) as well as just about every bite of food they put in their mouth, the cosmetic and skin-care products they use, and the brands of the clothing items they wear.

Posts are designed to provoke a response in the reader, and they do. A hallmark of this category are the highly dynamic, emotional comment sections. On the one hand, this is extremely helpful. The original poster (OP) gets unvarnished feedback about their situation, readers get information and a sense of community as they collectively discuss the good, the bad, and the money, and we as a society benefit from the erosion of outdated cultural practices.

But remember when I said this process is messy? That’s because it’s almost impossible to slip into someone else’s financial reality without it kicking up a lot of our own deep-seated associations and biases. In other words, money can be a mirror. And that’s great! Because how you react to someone else’s financial choices can reveal dimensions of your own cultural programming, beliefs, and emotional baggage. There are three common triggers:

“Sorry, can’t relate”: When circumstances divide.

It’s no surprise that we find it easiest to empathize with those who are most similar to us. If you spend money on a nanny, it doesn’t take any extra effort for you to understand why another person might make that choice as well. But if you’re priced out of that childcare option, or if you believe that group day care is great and therefore private childcare is an economic waste, it’s harder for you to put yourself in the OP’s shoes. It might even be emotionally painful. Another reaction common here? “It must be nice…” which is the money conversation’s passive-aggressive equivalent of, “Bless your heart.” 

“I would never!”: When discipline differs.

Woe unto the diarist who confesses to bouts of retail therapy or a high proportion of income spent on takeout and wine. 

Almost nothing provokes a stronger response of anger than seeing someone doing something we actively suppress in ourselves. That’s because it’s hard work to resist gratifying our impulses, and when we see others giving in to temptation, it unconsciously raises our anxiety. We don’t even want to let ourselves empathize, because if we do, then we might not be able to keep our own inconvenient desires under wraps. 

“My mother didn’t raise me to…”: When values diverge.

Each of us operates according to our own financial values, yet we tend to be more comfortable with the idea that financial choices are either right or wrong. This is the same misconception that makes us believe that information-based “financial literacy” will cure every self-destructive impulse. 

In reality, there is no absolute right or wrong when it comes to financial choices. People can have wildly differing ideas about the role of money in their lives, especially when we come from different cultures. Is it right to have your grown child live with you well into their adulthood? Is it right to expect your children to support you financially in your old age? Is it right to put significant resources into pursuing a certain beauty aesthetic over other, more “prudent” goals? It depends on how you were socialized. 

The more tightly we hold to a belief in universal financial truths, the more likely we are to be triggered by someone whose choices don’t align with our own. When they have the temerity to express distress, worry, or dissatisfaction, we are tempted to swoop in under the banner of righteousness to put the offending OP on the “right” track (whether they asked for it or not).

Because you’re worth it.

There are plenty of people out there who will tell you this money stuff is simple. It’s all about self-discipline, or mindset, or following these five easy tips to boost your whatever. But to me, the tactics are the least interesting thing about our finances. The emotions we experience around money are valuable indicators of where we need to heal, or where there are opportunities to grow — not just our bank accounts, but as human beings and co-creators of society. So let’s pay attention to them! Let’s open up to the whole conversation: the dilemmas, the drama, the delight, and the despair. 

That’s where I come in. I want to help people not just with the same advice on how to make a budget to get control of their spending, but by examining why the task feels so hard and what those feelings are and where the emotions come from. When we lift the veil of silence, we quickly find that people’s ways of being in the money world are much more complex and varied than a right-and-wrong framework would have us believe. I’m reminded of the bit by George Carlin where he said anyone driving slower than us is an idiot, and anyone driving faster than us is a maniac. All in all, I see this form of dialogue as a welcome step forward. Traffic’s a mess, but hey, at least we’re getting somewhere.

Let’s get somewhere together. If you have a money issue you want help with, reach out to me at advice@sherwood.news  

Amanda Clayman is a financial therapist who specializes in the cognitive, emotional, and behavioral aspects of our financial well-being. Her work has been featured in The Atlantic, The New York Times, and The Wall Street Journal, and her podcast, Emotional Investment, is available on Audible.