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The JPMorgan Machine: America's largest bank handles whatever is thrown at it

The JPMorgan Machine: America's largest bank handles whatever is thrown at it

Bank robbery

JPMorganChase’s 2021 acquisition of Frank, a student finance planning platform, seemed like a great deal at the time, until it recently found out that nearly 4 million of the site’s 5 million-strong userbase didn’t exist.

The bank discovered that its hot, student-helping startup, which came with a $175m price-tag, had vastly overinflated its scale after they sent marketing emails to customers and ~70% bounced back. Jamie Dimon, the JPMorgan CEO who’s in Switzerland for Davos '23, said the acquisition was a “huge mistake”.

The JPMorgan machine rolls on

However, while the "Frank fraud" has dominated headline mentions for the nation's largest lender, JPM’s earnings report from Friday suggests that, whilst a lawsuit is underway, the bank won’t be losing too much sleep over the botched deal.

JPM reported a whopping $37.7bn net income figure for 2022, taking the company's total profits over the last 15 years — a cycle that's seen global financial meltdowns, recessions and a pandemic — to more than $370bn.

The secret sauce is that JPM doesn't rely too heavily on any one business. When it's boom time, the investment banking division thrives. When times are leaner, the bank’s proficiency in the boring-but-robust aspects of the job — providing bank accounts and credit cards, for instance — picks up the slack. Right now for example, JPM is a beneficiary of the rising interest rates that we’ve heard (and written) so much about, even as dealmaking and corporate activity slow.

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Starbucks issues apology after viral “Bearista” cup meltdown

Holiday cheer turned into chaos this week for Starbucks after the coffee giant’s new “Bearista” holiday cup sent fans into a frenzy. 

Dropped alongside its 2025 holiday menu, the $30 beanie-wearing glass bear tumbler sparked long lines, sellouts, and even in-store scuffles before Starbucks stepped in with an apology.

“The excitement for our merchandise exceeded even our biggest expectations,” the company said in a statement to People. “Despite shipping more Bearista cups to our coffeehouses than almost any other item this holiday season, the Bearista cup and some other items sold out fast.”

Within hours of launch, frustrated fans flooded Starbucks’ social media pages and even store hotlines. Some customers waited in line before dawn and others said their stores received only a handful of cups. In one Houston location, the craze even turned physical, with police reportedly called to break up a brawl. Meanwhile, the cup is already reselling on sites like eBay, with listings topping $600.

“We understand many customers were excited about the Bearista cup and apologize for the disappointment this may have caused,” Starbucks said. While in-store customers may be upset, investors seem happy about the viral hit, as the stock has risen over 3% on Friday.

If you’re still hoping for a Bearista at market price, that may not be on order: the chain didn’t disclose how many cups were made or whether a restock is planned.

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Target tells workers to smile, wave, and greet shoppers if they come within 10 feet of them

Target just rolled out a new rule for store employees: smile, make eye contact, and greet or wave when a shopper comes within 10 feet — and if they get closer, within four feet, ask whether they need help or how their day is going, according to a new Bloomberg report.

Dubbed the 10-4 program internally, the rule mirrors rival Walmarts own 10-foot policy, formalizing behavior Target had previously only encouraged.

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Monster surges on energy drink buzz, while Celsius sinks on distribution concerns

Shares of Monster Beverage climbed 5% after the bell on Thursday, and held most of those gains into early trading on Friday, following strong Q3 results.

The energy drink giant topped market expectations, with quarterly sales up 17% year over year to $2.2 billion and adjusted net profits growing 41% to $524.5 million — 11% ahead of Wall Street’s estimates. In the report, Monster highlighted its zero-sugar line and new product launches, with a stack of novel flavors already released this year, as bright spots.

During a call with analysts, Chief Executive Hilton Schlosberg said that the global energy drink category “remains healthy with robust growth,” The Wall Street Journal reported, adding that demand for more affordable caffeinated drinks is rising as coffee has become “really expensive.”

Meanwhile, rival beverage business Celsius saw shares fall as much as 23% on its Q3 results yesterday — despite beating expectations, with revenue jumping 173% — largely due to concerns about a change in the company’s distribution channel, as its newly acquired Alani Nu brand joins the PepsiCo distribution network.

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